Thursday, November 1, 2012

Flutterings from an Angry Bird

I am caught up in the eye of a twister. One helluva twister, and I don't mean the fun game where you get all contorted and fall into a heap of laughter with your friends. Except I did sort of fall into a heap with my friends the other night, but it was a sadder, verge of tears kind of heap.

I'm so sorry that I'm stuck in this struggle. It must be terribly boring to read. Poor Danielle, waah, waah, WAAH, get over your freaking self! I was so hoping that this blog would be something else by this point. I do want to stop hiding though; the less hiding I do, the more writing about something else I can work toward.

I have been working in therapy for the last few months, and it is going slowly. I mean, so slow it feels backwards. I actually, in some ways, feel worse than when I started. Here's the problem, I'm trying to do all the things. All the things in therapy that will lead to lasting contentment and happiness. Right now, we're digging. Digging through the stinking pile of crap that is stifling everything. I've dug quite a trench in the crap but I haven't yet acquired the tools to climb out of said trench. So the feelings I've tried desperately to push to the side, suppress, shove down, numb and avoid at all cost are now my new wardrobe. So I'm walking around feeling naked and ugly. I'm wearing emotions that I didn't know were a part of my fabric, most specifically anger.

I never knew I was so angry. I'm an angry, angry bird.


Anger gets a pretty bad rap. I mean, with it's tendency to cause war and turmoil and such. BUT, did you know, anger is a completely normal, usually healthy, human emotion? No? ME NEITHER!!! Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. I'm still waiting for the good to come out of my anger. Mostly right now it causes me to shut down in the middle of conversations, go to bed at 8pm, avoid my friends and family, seek out cheddar cheese pretzel bread and generally not want to participate in life. This. Isn't. Me. 

Apparently it wasn't Brandi Carlile either, because she wrote a song about it. A beautiful song that should be accompanied with a box of Kleenex - and she just says... everything I want to say. Here are the lyrics. Or better yet, just listen to it.

"That Wasn't Me"

Hang on, just hang on for a minute
I've got something to say
I'm not asking you to move on or forget it
But these are better days
To be wrong all along and admit it, is not amazing grace
But to be loved like a song you remember
Even when you've changed

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you see, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me

When you're lost you will toss every lucky coin you'll ever trust
And you'll hide from your God like he ever turns his back on us
And you will fall all the way to the bottom and land on your own knife
And you'll learn who you are even if it doesn't take your life

Tell me, did I go on a tangent?
Did I lie through my teeth?
Did I cause you to stumble on your feet?
Did I bring shame on my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
Whatever you see, that wasn't me
That wasn't me, oh that wasn't me

But I want you to know that you'll never be alone
I wanna believe, do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet
When you fall I will get you on your feet
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you see, that will be me
That will be me, that will be me
That will be me

-Brandi Carlile

And so.

I've been very busy being angry and doing the other things that keep my home running. I haven't been doing much about the weight loss stuff, except getting myself further still from my goal. Whatevs. Of course, I'm being flippant here because, really, I'm devastated. I'm angry at myself. I'm trying to find the balance between accepting myself as the broken, chubby, angry mess that I currently am, while congruently working towards being the best version of myself. It's a little bit tricky.

So, here's some more good news about anger: it isn't a mutually exclusive emotion, like I originally thought. It doesn't take up all the room. There is plenty of room for anger and love and forgiveness and happiness and peace. All at the same time. I'm working to get there, and that will be me.


  1. You are such an amazing person. I hope you will find that out as you discover the new you.
    Think of therapy like a garage sale. You start the day with a bunch of junk you don't want or need. If all goes well you end the day with less junk and a richer pocketbook (life). And sometimes it takes a few garage sales to get there. :)

    Glad to hear your cleaning house. :) I'm always here when you want to talk. Or maybe just a buddy to go to kick boxing, gun range or whatever gets the anger out. :)

  2. Love you, D. You can do it; you can make it through the mess. Feel your feelings!

  3. Anger is most definitely "allowed". It's okay to be angry. Just be careful that it doesn't drain and consume you. It's a very wearisome feeling to stay in anger (I'm talking from experience here), but I also understand that it takes time to work through it. xoxo

  4. I had wondered where you've been. I felt bad I hadn't heard from you after Fitbloggin' but figured you must be going through some stuff. Hope you pull out of it soon...I had a rough patch there for about 3 years, I was super lonely, I shut everyone out, lost friends, ruined friendships, damaged family relationships and lost all faith. I was angry, lost, worried, stressed...all of it. Looking back, I grew a lot from that trial, learned not to be so judgy of others, to be more compassionate and to accept and love everyone for their different qualities, but my regret is that I stayed in that funk for so long. I want a do over, but I don't get one so all I can do is learn from it and make the daily choice to be happy. I hope you'll find the tools you need to be the healthy, happy, beautiful woman God made you to be.:) xo, Jess

  5. I've been exploring for a little for any high quality articles or blog posts in this kind of area . Exploring in Yahoo I ultimately stumbled upon this web site. Studying this info So i am happy to show that I have an incredibly just right uncanny feeling I discovered exactly what I needed. I most for sure will make certain to don?t disregard this website and give it a look regularly.
    My web site what does african mango do

  6. Hello, everything is going perfectly here and ofcourse every one is sharing information, that's really excellent, keep up writing.
    Feel free to visit my web-site : futures trading demo

  7. Pretty section of content. I just stumbled upon your weblog and in accession capital
    to assert that I acquire in fact enjoyed account your blog posts.
    Anyway I'll be subscribing to your augment and even I achievement you access consistently rapidly.

    Here is my web blog Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back
    my website - Green tea weight loss

  8. Another available treatment option that can be done at home without a prescription is a topical ointment.
    An individual can develop anywhere from 1 to well over 100 skin tags.
    Click OK and wait a second or two for the effect to be applied.

    my web site :: remove skin tags home remedy ()

  9. This page talks about several effective ways through which you can get rid
    of skin tags. I would also like to dismiss the earlier notion that
    developing of genital skin tags should not be misunderstood towards developing any
    sexually transmitted diseases. You might notice some swelling in different parts of
    your body.

    My blog post: bleeding skin tags